Peg's "I Hate Mother's Day" Page

Well, I don't really HATE it, I guess, but I have a hard time managing it sometimes, and today, so far, has been one of those times. I kind of hesitate to write about it, because I have recently been accused of painting myself as "Poor Peggy", (by the ex) and that is NOT how I see myself. This is just where I happen to be in life, and sometimes I can't stop my emotions from reflecting that. Today was like that, and honestly, it blindsided me a little! I went to church fully expecting to enjoy the day, I was looking forward to the special program the men had planned for the women, and I was even ON TIME.

Then I saw the Young Women's choir and the Primary choir, and this beautiful young woman gave a talk about how much she loved her mother for always getting her to church, even when she did not want to go, and all I could think about was how many of my children were not at church. Then that led to all the other thoughts that live in my brain about the many ways I have failed them as a mother, and the waterworks started and I couldn't turn them off, so I went home. I felt like a hypocrite for being there at all when they were honoring mothers. Good mothers.

Now, I don't want to hear from anyone trying to talk me into believing all the ways I am a good mother, and that I am too hard on myself, or that I am doing better than I think, etc. I think my view of where I am is pretty accurate, and I have to be accountable for my failings. That said, I hope to take longer strides in my quest to start where I am and become a better mother. (and grandmother!) I do believe in second (and third, and fourth..) chances, in redemption, in eternal progression, etc. I know that the parts that are too much for me are in the hands of the Lord, and He is far more capable than me of filling in the gaps. He is also probably not judging me as harshly as I sometimes judge myself.

All that said, I don't always hate Mother's Day, and I don't always feel like I have totally failed as a mother. I know my kids love me, but that says more for their character than mine, I think. We have enough of a bond of love and trust between us that we can move forward, and they forgive me of my shortcomings on a daily basis. Sometimes I just have to have a good cry over my regrets. Then I move forward.

The day is not over yet, and I am looking forward to seeing the older kids later on, and watching Dalton so Stacy can treat Breck to an evening out for her first Mother's Day. I have a clean slate where the grandkids are concerned. I can be a perfect Grandma. And I can be a perfect mother-in-law. Maybe. ;-)

Anyway, enough whining. I have some new pics to post, not necessarily in any particular order, and some of them are not actually new, just new to me. One is of Zach and Breck at their dad's wedding reception, and I feel like it is major progress for me that I can post that and not care about anything except the fact that it is a good picture of my kids!


In the rest of life, the semester is over, and I am relieved, but afraid to see what my grades are. If I get below a C in even one class, I will lose my financial aid, and that would be VERY BAD. It is possible in at least 2 of my classes, Spanish because I just sucked at it, and English Lit because there were some key assignments I missed. I just don't know how key they actually were. So I am holding my breath a little. I had a lot on my plate the past few months, so it is a miracle I even finished the semester. I had to withdraw in two previous semesters, which is why my financial aid might be on the line.


This is not the standard by which I want to live. I don't like that I am hoping for a C when I used to be an A student. I don't like being on probation of any kind, maybe because I felt like I was on probation thoughout my entire marriage. Always on the verge of being in trouble, but never being quite sure why.


Summer school starts the first week of June, and I have mostly online and evening courses, which I hope works better for me, because in order to keep doing the homeschool thing with Sean next year, I really need to be home all day. It's harder to get him to do his work later in the day. The kids are supposed to go spend time with Jimmie during the month of June, but we have yet to agree on the details. We have a hard time agreeing on anything, frankly.


The judge made his decision, and did not allow the reduction of child support, but that really only bought me a few months, and the fact that I have to pay my own legal fees (that was a disappointing shock) combined with my not having looked far enough down the road when I made the initial agreement, means come November, after Ethan turns 18, I am going to have to have a brand new plan to bring in enough money to cover the difference. I really might have to move into Mom and Dad's basement! But in my heart, I think I will be able to find a way to stay where I am and finish school. I will keep you all posted.


Well, I think this is long enough. You Utah folks, I am working on a possible short trip up there the first week of June with Breck and Dalton, because she wants to bring him to see family and friends who live up there. Will keep you posted on that as well...


So, Happy Mother's Day to all of you fabulous mothers, and especially to those of you who often feel, as I do, like less than fabulous mothers. One day, one minute, at a time, right??

Love you all!
Peg~