Well, I don't really HATE it, I guess, but I have a hard time managing it sometimes, and today, so far, has been one of those times. I kind of hesitate to write about it, because I have recently been accused of painting myself as "Poor Peggy", (by the ex) and that is NOT how I see myself. This is just where I happen to be in life, and sometimes I can't stop my emotions from reflecting that. Today was like that, and honestly, it blindsided me a little! I went to church fully expecting to enjoy the day, I was looking forward to the special program the men had planned for the women, and I was even ON TIME.
Then I saw the Young Women's choir and the Primary choir, and this beautiful young woman gave a talk about how much she loved her mother for always getting her to church, even when she did not want to go, and all I could think about was how many of my children were not at church. Then that led to all the other thoughts that live in my brain about the many ways I have failed them as a mother, and the waterworks started and I couldn't turn them off, so I went home. I felt like a hypocrite for being there at all when they were honoring mothers. Good mothers.
Now, I don't want to hear from anyone trying to talk me into believing all the ways I am a good mother, and that I am too hard on myself, or that I am doing better than I think, etc. I think my view of where I am is pretty accurate, and I have to be accountable for my failings. That said, I hope to take longer strides in my quest to start where I am and become a better mother. (and grandmother!) I do believe in second (and third, and fourth..) chances, in redemption, in eternal progression, etc. I know that the parts that are too much for me are in the hands of the Lord, and He is far more capable than me of filling in the gaps. He is also probably not judging me as harshly as I sometimes judge myself.
All that said, I don't always hate Mother's Day, and I don't always feel like I have totally failed as a mother. I know my kids love me, but that says more for their character than mine, I think. We have enough of a bond of love and trust between us that we can move forward, and they forgive me of my shortcomings on a daily basis. Sometimes I just have to have a good cry over my regrets. Then I move forward.
The day is not over yet, and I am looking forward to seeing the older kids later on, and watching Dalton so Stacy can treat Breck to an evening out for her first Mother's Day. I have a clean slate where the grandkids are concerned. I can be a perfect Grandma. And I can be a perfect mother-in-law. Maybe. ;-)
Anyway, enough whining. I have some new pics to post, not necessarily in any particular order, and some of them are not actually new, just new to me. One is of Zach and Breck at their dad's wedding reception, and I feel like it is major progress for me that I can post that and not care about anything except the fact that it is a good picture of my kids!
In the rest of life, the semester is over, and I am relieved, but afraid to see what my grades are. If I get below a C in even one class, I will lose my financial aid, and that would be VERY BAD. It is possible in at least 2 of my classes, Spanish because I just sucked at it, and English Lit because there were some key assignments I missed. I just don't know how key they actually were. So I am holding my breath a little. I had a lot on my plate the past few months, so it is a miracle I even finished the semester. I had to withdraw in two previous semesters, which is why my financial aid might be on the line.
This is not the standard by which I want to live. I don't like that I am hoping for a C when I used to be an A student. I don't like being on probation of any kind, maybe because I felt like I was on probation thoughout my entire marriage. Always on the verge of being in trouble, but never being quite sure why.
Summer school starts the first week of June, and I have mostly online and evening courses, which I hope works better for me, because in order to keep doing the homeschool thing with Sean next year, I really need to be home all day. It's harder to get him to do his work later in the day. The kids are supposed to go spend time with Jimmie during the month of June, but we have yet to agree on the details. We have a hard time agreeing on anything, frankly.
The judge made his decision, and did not allow the reduction of child support, but that really only bought me a few months, and the fact that I have to pay my own legal fees (that was a disappointing shock) combined with my not having looked far enough down the road when I made the initial agreement, means come November, after Ethan turns 18, I am going to have to have a brand new plan to bring in enough money to cover the difference. I really might have to move into Mom and Dad's basement! But in my heart, I think I will be able to find a way to stay where I am and finish school. I will keep you all posted.
Well, I think this is long enough. You Utah folks, I am working on a possible short trip up there the first week of June with Breck and Dalton, because she wants to bring him to see family and friends who live up there. Will keep you posted on that as well...
So, Happy Mother's Day to all of you fabulous mothers, and especially to those of you who often feel, as I do, like less than fabulous mothers. One day, one minute, at a time, right??
Love you all!
Peg~
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Peg's First Blogged Page; On Exes, Taxes, and Miracles
Okay, so I am jumping into this without really knowing what I'm doing, but technology marches on whether I am in step or not, so I'd better get marching! I will put up some pictures as soon as I figure out how to do it, and I will put up newer pictures when I steal Kylie's digital camera and learn how to download said pics... (That's right, folks, she's a beginner) But how hard could this be? I have a nine-year-old son who writes, records, and posts his original video stories on "You-Tube", so shouldn't I be able to build the most basic blog at age 47?? So. Off we go...
This past week was one I had been fearing for months, as my Franklin Planner read as follows: 13th, first grandson due, 14th, face evil ex in court, 15th, turn in major research paper, then mail heart and soul to the IRS, 16th, take a really big breath, 17th, another paper due, 18th, spend money I don't have on car AC that still might not work, 19th, collapse and die, 20th, attempt to master blog technology...you get the picture.
Well, as most of you know, Breck was kind enough to have her baby two weeks early, so THAT happy (yet still high-stress) event did not occur the same week as everything else. And he is the cutest baby on the planet, I kid you not, and I am not the LEAST bit biased...
After only two "RockStar"-assisted all-nighters, (for which I am FAR too old) my research paper was turned in, complete, possibly even good, and on time. I paid the IRS about half what I owe them and requested a payment plan for the balance, then waited 2 hours at Tempe Marketplace in a ridiculously long line of cars, with about a thousand other procrastinators like myself, to get that almighty postmark! I cannot remember the last time I had to PAY as opposed to getting a return, so this was new for me. Between my alimony and the nanny job where there was no with-holding, I sort of got bit this year. But I learned, and it won't happen again.
The taking the breath part worked out ok, then my British Lit prof was kind enough to give the entire class a reprieve on the other paper, so I was free to try and manage the sort of floating shock I was in after going to court on Monday. Can I just say a resounding "Wow" in reference to that experience??? When I think about trying to explain the outrageous nature of what this man I used to love was capable of saying about me, under oath, in a court of law, I just get tired and nauseous. If any of you want the detailed rundown, give me a call and I will tell you all about it, but here are the high points:
Jimmie wants to reduce the amount of child support that he pays me by 2/3, in spite of the fact that he signed a waiver forbidding him from doing that until the end of the 2008-2009 school year. In exchange for his paying more child support for a longer time, I signed away a significant portion of alimony, which I cannot retrieve under any circumstances. If he is successful in this attempt, I will have to move into my parents' basement. I don't think he will be successful, but what do I know?
In addition to this betrayal of the legal agreement we made, my loving ex is attempting to get me to pay his legal fees and a portion of the kids' travel costs when they go to Utah to visit him. His reasoning for this course of action is too deluded to even write about.
What I am asking is simply to preserve the agreement that is in place and have him pay my legal fees since he is the one who took it to court. Also that he be required to post a bond before taking the kids out of state so that we can avoid further hostage situations. The judge is taking it under advisement and will notify the lawyers when he has made a ruling. So now we wait. Divorce is the gift that keeps on giving...
Two days later, Jimmie tried to get me to let him take Sean back to Utah with him. (?) I resisted all the sarcastic responses that initially came to mind, and instead told him that Sean is in school and we would wait until the ruling came back from the judge and the school year was over before making any plans for kids to visit him in Utah. His response to this very logical answer was a barrage of threatening texts about further trials, results I would not like, my horrible meddling family, etc. I simply reiterated my first response, and that was the last I heard from him. I really am doing my very best to not engage him and just try to deal rationally with the stinkbombs he keeps launching at me. The only way to really escape him is to get financially independent of him, and I am plodding away toward that goal as fast as I am able.
Which brings me to school, to people who have helped me, and the continuing miracles in my life. I really LOVE school, in spite of the fact that most of my fellow students are younger than some of my children, and that I seem to have zero affinity for learning a second language. I love being required to read classic literature, I love offering my opinion after having done so, and as hard as that research paper was, I love that I am learning to properly format a manuscript and to do research well. I am learning to navigate the world of financial aid, and am feeling less fearful about losing the support money as a result. There are a lot of scholarship opportunities out there for an aging single mom such as myself!
Today I am feeling particular gratitude for prayer, and for family members and friends who I know have accessed prayer in my behalf. This week that I was so afraid of culminated in a very positive and hopeful event that was set in motion by one of my wonderful sisters, Kristin.
Several months ago, I called her about a title loan I have against my car. (This, incidentally, qualifies as one of the STUPIDEST things I have ever done, but I was desperate at the time) I was hoping to borrow the money to pay it off because the interest was (is) criminally outrageous. She couldn't help me with that, so prayed specifically to find another way to help me. She went to the gym that day and got on the last treadmill left, where the TV was tuned to Good Morning America. (which she never watched..) Warren Buffet was on there with his sister, who runs a foundation which he funds. The purpose of this foundation is to assist women who are in need of help, who have come upon difficult circumstances and are doing all they can to help themselves.
My awesome sister wrote them a letter about me, and long story short, they have chosen to help me, specifically by paying off that horrendous car loan and paying to fix my air conditioning. Could there BE a more direct answer to a specific prayer?? And the timing?? God has perfect timing. I have so many stories like this that I could tell, about every one of you, of my family and friends, who have been there at the right times and in the right ways, through large and small crises, (I get them in all sizes..) and I can NEVER thank you all enough, but I will try. And I will never forget.
So. Today things feel pretty good. I have managed to make it to grandmotherhood, I get another shot at college, I have unbelievable people in my life, my kids love me, money is just money, and it can be found when it is needed. Prayers are answered, sometimes quietly and not until later, but sometimes in your face and right this minute.
Until we blog again,
Peg~
This past week was one I had been fearing for months, as my Franklin Planner read as follows: 13th, first grandson due, 14th, face evil ex in court, 15th, turn in major research paper, then mail heart and soul to the IRS, 16th, take a really big breath, 17th, another paper due, 18th, spend money I don't have on car AC that still might not work, 19th, collapse and die, 20th, attempt to master blog technology...you get the picture.
Well, as most of you know, Breck was kind enough to have her baby two weeks early, so THAT happy (yet still high-stress) event did not occur the same week as everything else. And he is the cutest baby on the planet, I kid you not, and I am not the LEAST bit biased...
After only two "RockStar"-assisted all-nighters, (for which I am FAR too old) my research paper was turned in, complete, possibly even good, and on time. I paid the IRS about half what I owe them and requested a payment plan for the balance, then waited 2 hours at Tempe Marketplace in a ridiculously long line of cars, with about a thousand other procrastinators like myself, to get that almighty postmark! I cannot remember the last time I had to PAY as opposed to getting a return, so this was new for me. Between my alimony and the nanny job where there was no with-holding, I sort of got bit this year. But I learned, and it won't happen again.
The taking the breath part worked out ok, then my British Lit prof was kind enough to give the entire class a reprieve on the other paper, so I was free to try and manage the sort of floating shock I was in after going to court on Monday. Can I just say a resounding "Wow" in reference to that experience??? When I think about trying to explain the outrageous nature of what this man I used to love was capable of saying about me, under oath, in a court of law, I just get tired and nauseous. If any of you want the detailed rundown, give me a call and I will tell you all about it, but here are the high points:
Jimmie wants to reduce the amount of child support that he pays me by 2/3, in spite of the fact that he signed a waiver forbidding him from doing that until the end of the 2008-2009 school year. In exchange for his paying more child support for a longer time, I signed away a significant portion of alimony, which I cannot retrieve under any circumstances. If he is successful in this attempt, I will have to move into my parents' basement. I don't think he will be successful, but what do I know?
In addition to this betrayal of the legal agreement we made, my loving ex is attempting to get me to pay his legal fees and a portion of the kids' travel costs when they go to Utah to visit him. His reasoning for this course of action is too deluded to even write about.
What I am asking is simply to preserve the agreement that is in place and have him pay my legal fees since he is the one who took it to court. Also that he be required to post a bond before taking the kids out of state so that we can avoid further hostage situations. The judge is taking it under advisement and will notify the lawyers when he has made a ruling. So now we wait. Divorce is the gift that keeps on giving...
Two days later, Jimmie tried to get me to let him take Sean back to Utah with him. (?) I resisted all the sarcastic responses that initially came to mind, and instead told him that Sean is in school and we would wait until the ruling came back from the judge and the school year was over before making any plans for kids to visit him in Utah. His response to this very logical answer was a barrage of threatening texts about further trials, results I would not like, my horrible meddling family, etc. I simply reiterated my first response, and that was the last I heard from him. I really am doing my very best to not engage him and just try to deal rationally with the stinkbombs he keeps launching at me. The only way to really escape him is to get financially independent of him, and I am plodding away toward that goal as fast as I am able.
Which brings me to school, to people who have helped me, and the continuing miracles in my life. I really LOVE school, in spite of the fact that most of my fellow students are younger than some of my children, and that I seem to have zero affinity for learning a second language. I love being required to read classic literature, I love offering my opinion after having done so, and as hard as that research paper was, I love that I am learning to properly format a manuscript and to do research well. I am learning to navigate the world of financial aid, and am feeling less fearful about losing the support money as a result. There are a lot of scholarship opportunities out there for an aging single mom such as myself!
Today I am feeling particular gratitude for prayer, and for family members and friends who I know have accessed prayer in my behalf. This week that I was so afraid of culminated in a very positive and hopeful event that was set in motion by one of my wonderful sisters, Kristin.
Several months ago, I called her about a title loan I have against my car. (This, incidentally, qualifies as one of the STUPIDEST things I have ever done, but I was desperate at the time) I was hoping to borrow the money to pay it off because the interest was (is) criminally outrageous. She couldn't help me with that, so prayed specifically to find another way to help me. She went to the gym that day and got on the last treadmill left, where the TV was tuned to Good Morning America. (which she never watched..) Warren Buffet was on there with his sister, who runs a foundation which he funds. The purpose of this foundation is to assist women who are in need of help, who have come upon difficult circumstances and are doing all they can to help themselves.
My awesome sister wrote them a letter about me, and long story short, they have chosen to help me, specifically by paying off that horrendous car loan and paying to fix my air conditioning. Could there BE a more direct answer to a specific prayer?? And the timing?? God has perfect timing. I have so many stories like this that I could tell, about every one of you, of my family and friends, who have been there at the right times and in the right ways, through large and small crises, (I get them in all sizes..) and I can NEVER thank you all enough, but I will try. And I will never forget.
So. Today things feel pretty good. I have managed to make it to grandmotherhood, I get another shot at college, I have unbelievable people in my life, my kids love me, money is just money, and it can be found when it is needed. Prayers are answered, sometimes quietly and not until later, but sometimes in your face and right this minute.
Until we blog again,
Peg~
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